Behold, the KFC Double Down sandwich. It is, if you really want to know, two slabs of fried chicken intersliced with two pieces of bacon, two slabs of cheese, and the Colonel's “special sauce.” It comes in the form of a sandwich, with the fried chicken where the bread used to be. It's sort of hilarious. It's sort of perfect. And then it'll probably make you vomit….

Did you notice? How in one pseudo-food item, you are consuming not one, not two, but the mutated, chemically injected flesh/byproducts of fully three different distended, liquefied, industrially tortured creatures? Feel the love, pitiable animal kingdom.

You got your chicken-like creature, your pig-like creature, your dairy cow-like creature, all wrapped in a $5 fistful of nausea, ready to strangle your heart and benumb your brain. God knows what is in the “special sauce.” Maybe some sort of fish byproduct, just to round it all out. It's like a wild kingdom in your mouth! It's like a toxic zoo in your colon! It's like a suicide note from what's left of your brain! “If you eat this, you are a complete and total idiot, and we're through. Signed, You.”

Let us now add a shred of wary perspective. For well do I know this horrible crapbucket of chyme joins a very long list of fast-food nightmares you should never put anywhere near your mouth, unless you deeply hate yourself and give a damn anymore, and you want to die fat and stupid and smelling like that rotting thing you found in your rain gutter.

What's more, some fast food companies are trying, at least a little, to respond to the call for slightly healthier foods, adding salads and fruit and grilled chicken breasts to their menus, even though every single one of those items is just as jammed with chemicals, preservatives, synthetic flavorings and high-fructose corn syrup as the rest, and all the “healthy” meat products are still raised on the most execrable, environmentally rapacious industrial feedlots imaginable. But hey, it's something, right?

Further, some argue that it's a bit disingenuous to blame the junk food purveyors for all the obesity, cancer, impotence, bad skin and colonic pain in the land. After all, the undereducated masses love to eat this garbage, right? KFC test-marketed this Double Down death bomb for months, to (presumably) great effect.

Of course, it's sort of a foregone conclusion, a rigged game. This vile meatwich is crammed like a grenade with sodium, sugar, fat and chemicals. Ergo, the testers, presumably people with taste buds devastated by years of cramming similar compost into their guts, thought it was pure nirvana. And then their colons exploded.

Had KFC actually tested it on people who eat real food every day, folk who haven't touched fast food in years, whose systems are strong and fully recovered and in whose bodies blood flows unobstructed, had KFC dared any genuinely healthy human to take a bite, you can bet they would have heard, and smelled, a slightly different reaction.

Maybe it's all a silly, futile argument, a fool's game to point up the obvious evil of such products. These items are legion. They just keep right on coming. What's more, it's just capitalism at work. It's about giving the people what they want, right?

And if they do not really want it — if, deep down, most humans sense this garbage is hugely unhealthy, that it's a form of slow poison and there are far and wiser options out there — well, you do what companies like KFC, Coca-Cola, Kraft, McDonald's and all the rest have done since the dawn of the free market.

You convince the less educated and the gullible that they are wrong, that this crap is actually a good value for your family, nutritious and safe to feed to children, even as you manufacture all the flavors, smells and meat-like textures in a giant lab and sell truckloads of the crap to the poorer classes, until they get fat and sick and die. Meanwhile, you employ cartoon characters and bright, funny mascots to lure in the next generation, to keep the cycle going.

Do I have that about right, Mr. KFC exec? Did I miss anything? Can you hear me down there, what with all the flames and the screaming?

This piece was originally published at the San Francisco Chronicle's SFGate, here.

Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest work for the SF Chronicle and SFGate. Get it at daringspectacle.com or Amazon. He recently wrote about the Texas Board of Education, sex rehab, and what it's like being part of the evil liberal conspiracy. His website is markmorford.com. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention…

Dear God: KFC's Chicken-as-Bread Sandwich Is Coming

Are you looking to commit suicide very slowly with food? KFC is here to help! Its new Double Down sandwich is coming to a KFC sad factory near you on April 12th.

You see, it's a sandwich, but instead of bread it uses fried fucking chicken. And in between those two pieces of fried chicken? Bacon and cheese, of course. And what looks like a mayonnaise of some sort, just to add some more fat to the equation.

The sandwich will be available in two forms. The Original Recipe sandwich will set you back about 540 calories, 32g of fat and 1380mg of sodium. The not-as-bad-for-you Grilled Double Down totals 460 calores, 23g of fat and 1430mg of sodium.

This seems like the sort of thing that should be taxed highly to pay for health care, no? Because anyone who eats this on a regular basis will be requiring costly hospital visits, guaranteed.

Send an email to Adam Frucci, the author of this post, at adam@gizmodo.com.

Its nice to see that the first thing that people think of when it comes to something new you eat is cancer. Nobody trusts any corporation. Even Google, who's motto is “don't be evil” Is on the way to taking over the world. They control what you can search for, they are now starting to providing internet so they can control what sites you go to, they have just been issued rights by to government to supply power to us and everything (including your microwave) will be running Android. It sounds a little like Google is Moms Friendly Robot Company and if they ever want to take over the world they just need to push a button. Of course thats still a few years away, but in the mean time, the whole system is breaking down and frankly, I love it.

Broil More Efficiently by Leaving the Oven Door Ajar

Broiling is a great way to semi-recreate the effects of outdoor cooking inside. As simple as broiling is, you can still muck it up by keeping your oven closed too tightly.

Over at Home Ec 101, a home and cooking centered blog, a reader wrote in asking whether or not keeping your oven cracked actually does anything. They responded by clarifying the process:

Broiling is a specific method for applying heat to food. When a recipe directs food to be broiled, it is expected for the item to be exposed, relatively closely to a source of dry, intense heat. For many models, the best results are achieved with the door left ajar a couple of inches. In fact, most models have a stop that makes this easy.

If you leave your oven closed up when broiling you end up baking the item instead. When the door is closed moisture can't escape and the oven reaches equilibrium faster which will kick off the heating element and put an end to that intense, dry heat you're looking for. Check out the full article at the link below for more information. If you have your own broiling wisdom to share, let's hear about it in the comments.

Original material is licensed under a Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing with attribution.

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